flightforfreedom | MoM IC Inbox

it's new ground for me too

but i couldn't lie to anyone about it. even to save my dick. being a eunuch wouldn't be that bad

but i value this too, odin. that's why I don't want to mess it up. not a great track record for that so far, but.

i need to check on bodhi but we can keep talking - it's going to take me an hour to get there anyway

and as much as I want to say 'yes let's immediately meet up in person right now' maybe just doing the communicator thing for a while might make things easier?

fuck, I don't know

this is usually the part where I find out I'm being shipped out to the outer rim for four months in all those crappy holovids, right?

No, I know. It was just something I said without thinking. I'm just, trying to limit all this hurt that I'm responsible for. I wish I could take it back. The confession.

[ was that an okay thing to say? he's not sure, after he's said it. but again - it's the truth, and he's trying to lean into telling that. ]

Communicator makes sense. Definitely not going to be able to stick to it for long, though. Sorry. I miss hanging out with you. I wish I hadn't come to Fauxhalla. Not that we would have seen much of each other with everything going on, but. Man. Anyway. How are you handling things? Are you taking care of yourself? I wouldn't really be surprised if you're burning out, trying to take care of all your friends at once. I'm not going to tell you not to do that, because - yeah. You're Poe. But - If it gets too rough, just, like, message me whenever? We can talk about stupid shit until you're recharged a bit.

it was going to come out one way or the other, odin

and probably would have hurt more in the long run

I'm not going anywhere, odin. well at least not until boot camp in January but that's not the point. I'll still be here when you get home.

no promises that I will be anywhere near coherent - think I've had maybe four hours sleep in the last three days

[ he wants to argue that point - if i'd acted like a grown-ass adult i could have just held onto my feelings and not ruin what i had - but he doesn't. it wouldn't help. ]

If I'd acted like a grown-ass adult, I could have just held onto my feelings and not ruin what I had.

[ fuck, nevermind. he stops himself from saying "i don't care about getting hurt in the long run!!!!!", at least. ]

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn y way. I don't mind. You can be stupid and babbly and incoherent. You normally are, anyway. Hahahaha, burn. Besides, not sleeping is a regular thing for me. I don't know if you know that about me, actually? Because so many times you, um, came over, I usually slept through the whole night. But that, I mean. That never happened, before you. Or outside of you. So. The reason I'm bringing this up isn't to be weird, but just, Like, If you need advice? On dealing with insomnia? If that's why you're up and not because you've been, um, saving your friends or, uh, """being""" with people? I can help.

[He doesn't reply to the first bit. Part of him does wish Odin hadn't said anything and they could have just - kept going on like normal, but -

The other part is pretty sure the reason Odin said something was because he was a grown-ass adult. And far braver than Poe was.

He didn't know what to say about the sleeping thing, either. He always slept better when he slept with someone else - sexually or not - but that mechanism of coping was so tied up in his relationship with Finn that it made him a bit queasy to talk about it with Odin. So he'll just. Avoid that part.]

i haven't 'been' with anyone

[That message comes first, far quicker than it should have. He isn't totally sure why he needed Odin to know that, but he did.

But then he just forged ahead with the rest.]

insomnia i'm used to

usually i can catch a few hours

no it's just my friends

one of them is gone
one of them is about ready to follow her
one of them is literally slowly burning alive
one is trapped in a body he's not used to trying to deal with the rest of everyone around him dying

one is a horse

there's just
a lot going on

Edited 2017-12-10 16:30 (UTC)

[ odin, of course, takes poe glossing over his sleeping comment as proof that odin said something stupid and poe hates him for it. he gives himself a second to feel shitty, but the... not being with people comment...

he is not sure what to do with that information. he can't deny that he's glad to hear it, in some small, jealous way, but he also has enough sense to realize that, well - that's probably just a timing thing. poe can't sleep with his friends when they're all dying off.

also, you know - the other guy. that's still on the table. ]

Sorry about your horse friend. Man, you really didn't need me to pull all this relationship drama on you right now. One of my friends lost an arm. My other friend's leg exploded and he's bleeding everywhere. They're both just, like, okay with it. They're like, "haha, that's just life!" about the whole thing. I kind of hate it.

he has eight legs, but he's a horse

i also have a horse now but that's kind of a different story
at least it means i can fly something again

unless you were conspiring with the porter to match timing i'm going to let you off the hook on that one

plus you just shouldn't be on the hook for it anyway

man

i didn't really realise just how much the nanites here were holding us together

makes me really wonder about the origin of our bodies, here
i mean that was always a weird question because of all my technically dead friends but

yeah

they got healers? i know magnus is trying to make sure that there are healers available for everyone, and i know he's one of your friends, but
figured i would ask anyway

I'm kind of jealous? I'm also kind of wracked with terror about how easy it is to slip into unknowable body horror territory right now? Man. Remind me to tell you about pegasi from back home one day, though, And why what you just said is pretty emotionally hard-hitting for me. But yeah. I don't know. I've seen myself as a baby, back home. Sleeping and happy. I was transformed by a God to look different to how I'm supposed to look. Bodies have always been kind of weird for me. The esoteric questions about our origins here didn't really matter to me until we all started to rot from the inside. Fuck, I wish I knew how to stop all this. But. They do, yeah. Healing's covered. Magnus is amazing. Uh, I did see the conversation you had with him, though. On the network?

let's just say if you see a woman with dark hair in a leather jacket flying around on a horse? that's probably me

it's a long story

but i'll remind you
what's a pegasi?

everything that i've heard from you about your home sounds basically impossible, in mine.

but yeah. exactly. 'until we started to rot from the inside' is basically exactly the thing.

There's got to be some way to get the nanites back on line.

it's weird, because i can almost hear them, sometimes? but its like their voices are still too far out of scale.

Wh Fuck! You can turn into a hot woman?! Fuck! I can't believe you can turn into a hot woman! I can't believe I've got hot woman Poe right in front of me and I've fucked up so badly that you probably don't wanna bone down on me anymore! Fuck!!!! I shoulda waited a month before telling you! Fuck! God! God damn it. GOD. AUAGH. I'M SO MAD! Ugh. UGH. Augh. Anyway. Um. What? Oh, right. Pegasi. So, a pegasus is a horse, typically white as snow with great great wings - But they could sense an innate goodness in a person's soul. I knew a few people who rode them into battle and they were the kindest, most loving people I've ever met. There's a whole big thing about it, but it just - I don't know. A pegasus would totally love you. It makes sense to me that you've got a flying horse. Does that make sense? Maybe that's why it makes so much sense to me that you're a pilot, too. Like - of course you are. That's where kind people deserve to be. In the sky. I dunno. My home is stupid. But - that's fascinating, that you can almost hear the nanites voices. Have you heard them since - all of this started happening?

[It's impossible to smother the smile spreading over his face. He's glad no one else can see him grinning stupidly at his communicator.

Damn it, Dameron.]

sorry, bud

pretty sure that would put me very firmly into getting-my-head-ripped-off-and-eaten-by-wild-lions territory

Huh. i've never heard about creatures like that. mine doesn't have wings, though, and it's black - does that make a difference?

and i've known some utter assholes that could fly so
just saying
the rules don't fully apply

Yeah. I couldn't hear them before. Not until everything started going on the fritz.

I think it's just the fact that I can hear everything a lot more loudly than it is in particular about the nanites, though.

Brave the lions??????? You coward!!!!!

[ he's grinning, too, but also only like 30% joking, and when he realizes that and remembers how things are between them now he quickly just fucking smothers this side of the conversation to death. moving on. moving the fuck on ]

No. There were black ones, too. White were just the most common, I guess. And, Look. Stop questioning my rules, Dameron. I'm just saying it's nice and it made me feel nice and you're nice. You made me think of home for a second. I'm gonna beat you up. Fuck, though... I'm sorry. I feel like that'd drive me insane, if I were in your shoes. I wish I could help you get some sleep, or something. I know you're awake for a reason, but I also wish my stupid useless-ass dream powers worked that way? Ugh. Is there any part of you that can understand what they might be saying? Or is it too distant?

well, i'm glad someone still thinks i'm nice
though that got violent quickly

and it's fine. frustrating, but fine. i really don't think your dream powers are useless, though

and no, it's sort of like being able to hear whispers filtered through a giant hall but then also through a tiny earpiece? I don't know how to describe it. I can't hear anyone else's, either - just mine. I think.

It's a very, very bizarre feeling

I wouldn't be talking to you if I thought you were anything less than a fantastic dude. And you know how I treat fantastic dudes. You were totally getting in on me and Peter's energy by the end of things. I bet if we were up there for another week you'd have been biting him as hard as I did. That does sound bizarre. I wish I could offer some advice, but if you were hearing voices like that in my world, you were probably possessed and about to murder everyone. So. Don't... Do that. I know I said this already, But you really are dealing with a lot right now. And I know that you're strong enough to be able to handle it, even if I'm worried about you, But is there anything I can do? At all? Even if it's just something small like - like make you food, so when you come home you'll have something warm to eat, or... anything like that. You don't even have to see me. I can just leave it at your door, or send someone to deliver it, or-- something.

i am never going to have what you and peter have
this is a burden i will just learn to live with

my teeth will probably thank me, though

hahaha alright
i promise not to murder everyone
most of the time it's just my fridge complaining about how no one cleans it out, so

it's not particularly incredible chatter

[There's a pause, before he continues. He writes: you're a good man, owain, but catches it before he sends it.

he isn't sure why he feels that way, but he's pretty sure he's not allowed to use that name, anymore]

you're a good man, odin

but i am barely home for more than twenty minutes, these days
it would be cold and probably soggy before i even got to eat it

[There's another pause, and then:]

even just talking to you does a lot
so don't worry.

That's probably for the best, yeah. I'd get super jealous if you and Peter ended up slapping each other and playing gay chicken like we do.

[ He has other things to reply to - he wants to yell at Poe about how he used to eat charred bear meat and he never complain, so the dumb stupid pilot with his dumb stupid hair could deal with some slightly cold curry or something - but fuck. You're a good man, Odin.

He knows why this is happening. He knows this is how things have to be. "Owain" has always been a name he only shares with those he's closest to, and Poe calling him Odin here, privately, when up until now it's been-- just, he gets it. He gets what Poe's doing. He helped throw the dirt in that grave, when he himself tried so hard to bury Owain after that first mixtape.

He gets that he should let this happen. He gets that asking to be called Owain again is a dangerous step - like he's closing something between them that shouldn't be closed, opening himself up to that same hopeful vulnerability he had when he thought maybe they could be together one day. He's said, over and over and over again, that Poe's the one to determine the distance between them, and that he has to respect that. He gets that this is Poe's attempt at establishing some kind of boundary.

He gets it, but-- ]

Not Owain?

[The stupid smile he'd been harbouring by himself, sitting with his communicator in the dark, slid off of his face, a pit opening up in his chest.

He can't reply right away, unsure how to, just staring at the communicator until the screen shuts off from being out of use. He swipes the screen again to bring it back. Dammit.

Give him space, Poe Dameron. Don't lead him on, Poe Dameron. Don't go near him, don't look at him, don't talk to him, just let him rest and recover, Poe Dameron.

He'd never been very good at following orders he didn't fully believe in.]

i thought i'd lost that priviledge

[ the next message comes so, so much faster than any of the others odin's sent. he types it out without thinking, hammering it into his communicator without giving himself to think about why he shouldn't. ]

I want to be someone to you.

Edited (WAIT I MADE IT WORSE) 2017-12-11 00:27 (UTC)

[He doesn't know how to reply to that. The hole in his chest just widens, clawing at the inside of his rib cage and dragging anything that it caught down into it's gaping maw. Swallowing him up from the inside out.

He writes four things, and deletes them. Writes another. Deletes that. He literally doesn't know how to respond to this, and the minutes are dragging on.

Finally he just gives up.

He is almost definitely 100% making this worse but everything else he could think of saying was either a lie or completely deflecting and ignoring the question]

you are, owain.

just trying to figure this out

[ another line from Poe he can read into a thousand different ways, all of which hurt harder than the last. he looks out the window of fauxhalla, watching the birds fly over the trees and thinks of little inconsequential things like what magnus is going to cook for dinner that night or what peter's doing with his girlfriend right now.

he's getting better at not obsessing over every little word poe says, if only slightly. maybe he really is capable of letting go, some day.

probably not, though. ]

I'll stop saying things like that. I promise. Still gonna make you something to eat, though.

i will eat it dutifully

[He doesn't say anything about the rest. He can't. He doesn't trust himself to do it.]

[ takes that as a silent "yeah, that'd be good" and feels sand in his stomach for pushing things. he types "you can call me odin if you really want", but can't bring himself to send it. just dwells in his regret with his thumb hovering over send for about fifteen minutes. ]

I should probably let you go check on your friend. I'll be here - if you need to talk.

yeah. not really something I'm relishing but

thanks

I'll see you soon

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