flightforfreedom | MoM IC Inbox

no

she was just trying to protect you, odin

it was fine. terrifying, but fine. i would have probably done the same thing if our roles were reversed so just don't tell her I mentioned it

she wasn't the only one, anyway

[There's a much longer pause here. Fuck, this was even harder than he'd thought.]

there's a lot of people who care about you, Odin

and one thing that they seem to generally agree on

and that's that you shouldn't be anywhere near me

What? What? Who else? Who the fuck? I didn't ask them to do any of that!

[ He's about to fly back home to have this conversation in person, demand names so he can go and-- talk to people who are talking about what's best for him, or whatever, but-- he deflates, at the thought of it. It's hard. He's tired. This isn't a conversation he'd expected to have and everything inside of him feels like sand. ]

Okay. Well. Okay. People have been saying the same thing to me. Archie told me to move on. Put distance between us. Leave what happened behind. Or something. I don't want to do that. I told you how I feel. I told you I want to stay with you, if you can handle it, despite knowing I've got this... whatever it is, for you. I thought we were just - I thought things were going to go back to normal. I thought you were going to let me stay close by and we would just leave all of my feelings in space. I thought we just weren't going to talk about them anymore, so that this could-- work. I thought you'd let me be your friend. Do you not want that anymore?

Edited 2017-12-10 05:12 (UTC)

[He had known that this was going to happen? He'd known it. All the resolve he'd had, gearing himself up for this conversation, was already breaking to pieces.]

no that's not

that's not what I meant

no I don't want that.

but I think I might also be a selfish fucking asshole

So am I! So am I? So am I!!!!!! Do you even-- okay. Let me break this down. Let's break down what I'm doing right now. What I've done, over this past month. "Hey, Poe! I'm super in love with you! Oh, you're not in love with me? You told me, explicitly, that you don't want me, because you want somebody else? Dang! Well, hey. Rather than accept that, what if I just hang around you, shovel a mixtape on you in space to really hammer my point in (rather than internalize my heartbreak like I should have done), and then just constantly be a huuuuuge pain in the ass who refuses to leave you alone? What if I just never let you experience your own emotions and establish your own boundaries in peace? What if the entire pace of your life is dictated by Odin's melodramatic, stupid, stupid stupid stupid feelings? Oh! Oh, oh man. Bonus idea: What if all my stupid friends come give you a hard time and threaten you with physical harm because apparently I'm a stupid child who can't take care of myself? What if that? What if all of that? THOUGHTS? THOUGHTS???????????"

[ he's hitting the keys on his new comm so hard he feels like he might break it. when he's done, he's breathing hard and fast, not going back to read what he just wrote because he's pretty sure there's something in there he'll regret saying and he's on a roll, here, he's not gonna bail now. ]

I'm just-- saying. I'm selfish. I shouldn't be a part of your life. The adult mature radical thing for me to do would be to pack up my shit and bail, so I don't poison our relationship from the inside by dragging it on and on and on even though it is written deep in the stars that you'll leave me sooner or later. You can't stay friends with someone who has feelings for you, that's so stupid. And yet. That's what I'm asking for. It's stupid and selfish and stupid. But it is what I want, for as long as I can have it, so. Yeah. Leave on your own terms. Not because I have assholes for friends.

[There is a lot, there, in that flurry of texts. He knows that it's just a turn of phrase, in this context, to say 'super in love with you'. And it's not like he didn't know. But it still stalls him from reading the rest of it, for a few minutes. Eventually he manages to keep reading, but a reply is something else.

He doesn't trust himself to have this conversation.

He fights the very real impulse to open a comm link to Archie and yell 'EASIER FUCKING SAID THAN DONE' at him from the other end. But he doesn't.]

you're not an asshole. or stupid. or a child.

i just can't tell if we are just intentionally hurting ourselves at this point

can I at least ask

why the second tape

Okay, let me make this very clear. I am intentionally hurting myself. It hurts to know that you want somebody else, and it is something I will always be aware of. It hurts to remind myself of that every time I think of you, and being with you brings that up far more often than being apart from you would. But it would hurt so, so, so much more if you weren't around anymore. I don't know if I could handle not seeing your face, or hearing you laugh, because of something I did or said. I genuinely think, at this point, that I would lose most of what makes me happy, if I couldn't talk to you anymore.

[ he stops himself there, before he goes into a page long diatribe about all the other things in Poe he loves. that's not what this conversation is about. he does, however, feel genuinely confused for a second about the second tape comment. says "what are you talking about" before backspacing it. then it FUCKING HITS HIM, 'CAUSE THERE AIN'T THAT MANY TAPES HE'S LOST. ]

Fuck? Fuck? Fuck? Fuck? Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck I thought I left that in space. I'm sorry. Did you listen to it? Don't listen to it. Don't listen to the last track, especially. It's bad. Don't. Don't. Sorry. It was just for me. It was just supposed to be mine? Oh man. Oh my god. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Fuck??? Fuck????????????? Sorry????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

[The first part is almost unbearable to read, and it takes him a few tries. In fact he's still trying to formulate a response when the second set of messages come through.

Easier to answer, at least.]

oh

[.... Sort of answer.....]

Edited (Wtf formatting what's wrong with yiu) 2017-12-10 09:55 (UTC)

well that

makes more sense

sorry
i thought I was supposed to listen to it
i couldn't make it all the way through it anyway

i shouldn't have that much power over your happiness, odin

Just. Break it or something. It's fine. Sorry.

[ head in his hands. he's got all this nervous energy bubbling through him and he keeps pacing back and forth through his room, angry at himself. he's. stupid. he's stupid! he's so stupid. not only for the stupid tape stupid bullshit stupid stupid fuck, but for saying all that shit he said just now about poe and happiness aND WHATEVER ELSE FUCK FUCK FUCK GOD DAMN IT FUCK.

he sits on the end of his bed and just sorta drowns himself in his feelings for a second before he sends something back. ]

I don't! Mean! To put! Pressure! On you! That's not why I'm saying any of the stupid things I'm saying! The great Odin Dark has a way with words! The elegant prose he sings from betwixt these holy lips are unflappably cool! But his thoughts are clumsy and doofusy. So I say clumsy and doofus things. And, That was one of them. The happiness thing. Just, I'm trying to be honest. About all of this. So you have a choice, about what to do. If it's not... easy, to be with me, because of my stuff, then! Just! Say it. But, Heuhgeuhgsahgsajghsahalgaflamfladhgljhaeajhglahgg??? I just want to be around you. That's all I want. Actually. I also want to light my face on fire 'cause of the tape thing. I'm really sorry. About that. About a lot of things. In general. Just by default. My default state of being.

i'm not going to break it, odin

and you're not stupid, and what you said wasn't "doofusy" though I only have the vaguest idea of what that word means

you don't need to back pedal with me, odin

i think i know you pretty well at this point. i can kind of tell, when it comes out because it's true

but none of us can control how long we are here

one my friends is gone

i don't want you to have that much stake in me that when the Porter eventually does its job and I'm gone that I take all your happiness with you

i just

i can barely be trusted with my own let along yours

[ Poe doesn't know what a doofus is? Fuck, he's so endearing. Odin gives himself a second to stop being embarrassed about how melodRAMATIC HE WAS DID HE SERIOUSLY SAY THAT DID HE SERIOUSLY SAY POE YOU'RE MY ~HAPPINESS~ OH MY GOD HEUURHGRU HEURHEURHGH WAS HE TRYING TO SOUND COOL OR SOMETHING WHY CAN'T HE JUST SAY SHIT LIKE A NORMAL DUDE OH MY GOD BURY HIM and just. Gives himself a second to smile warmly at his phone, instead. Fuck, he's cute.

Too bad the rest of the message is heartbreaking. ]

I am aware that many things here are temporary. Transient. Not real. But the porter doesn't scare me. The threat of losing someone at a moment's notice is not new to me. It has been happening to me, in cycles, since I was very young. I would be lying, if I told you that I cared about protecting myself from the potential future in which you're taken from me and sent back home to do all of the amazing things you're meant to do. I would be lying if I said I would break, if I am left here alone to grieve you. Because I do not give even the smallest of fucks. I am a soldier, first and foremost. I am capable of moving on from death, which is, essentially, what porting out feels like, to those of us left behind. However, Right now, you are here and you are alive and I want to be around you. That is all I care about. It would hurt so much more, if you were here, and if you were alive, and I wasn't allowed to see you, than if you were taken away from me by things outside of your control. But, You're not obligated to keep my happiness going, dude. If you wanna break off our totally wicked bromance, I understand that that would be the healthier thing for you to do. It will suck. And it will hurt. But I will get over it, and also you, and find somebody else to love, in time.

[ odin nods at his phone. yeah. yeah. that sounded good, and doesn't put any pressure on poe, he thinks. he hopes? it probably does.

he does not believe that last thing he sent for, like, even a second, but whatever. ]

[He sighs. He doesn't really believe it either, and he's pretty sure that Odin is saying it more because he thinks that is what Poe wants to hear than because he believes it.]

It's not new to me either. [There's a reason he hasn't settled down back home yet, and only part of it has to do with loving someone.]

it's not essentially death

that's not the problem. It's that it's not death at all.

instead some of us disappear and some of us come back and everything has changed

this also wasn't my point?

my point is

look

I don't want to say you can't see me either

i don't want that

but I don't want to stick around and just continuously accidentally hurt you until you resent and hate me, either

I just meant, People have left me before. For reasons they can't control. And, I got better. About it. It feels different. People going. Because they have to. Than, Than it would, if you tell me, "don't be around me anymore," even though I'd know you're, there.

[ deep breath. these next few minutes feel like an eternity, to Odin, as he tries to work up the courage to send his next message. he reads and rereads "i don't want to stick around and hurt you" until the words stop making sense. ]

I will never resent you. Can we just. Can we bottom line this? Are you done with me?

no.

[Dammit, Dameron.]

...

I am pretty sure that I should have said yes there, but no.

[There's a long pause while he just sighs and hits his head on the nearest wall a couple times.]

I don't really care what everyone else thinks

though if we could somehow manage to not have my dick removed that would be awesome

i just wish I knew what to do

[ he--

he really, really expected poe to say yes. he smiles, in this room he's staying in so far from home, so far away from poe, genuine and bright and wide and just fucking happy. he really expected poe to leave. ah, fuck, he's gonna cry. he just lets himself curl up in bed with his head resting on his shaking knees for a while, too flooded with adrenaline to be able to respond right away.

fuck, fuck, he was so sure poe was done with him. ]

We could just Not tell anyone?

[ that sounds bad, actually? even though it's not like it's anyone's business, what he does with poe. ]

I still think I can talk to my friends. About laying off of you. I don't, like the thought of you being unhappy, when I have the means to stop it.

i am not going to treat this like some sort of dirty secret odin

regardless of whatever else, you're my friend, and even people really want to beat the shit out of me for that, i'll deal with it

but no. pretty sure that would look about 100x worse and not be effective anyway.

i joke about being worried about my dick but to be honest I'm worried way more about around a hundred other things right now

I know I've been scarce but only about 30% of that is because people keep telling me to stay the fuck away from you

the rest is me trying to run back and forth between my friends to keep them from dying

I know, I know, I just. Have never been in this situation before? It's weird. Everything's weird. I don't know. I just, value this. Value you. I want us to be okay.

[ blegh. the nanite thing. he feels like an asshole, for valuing poe's reaction so much when there's so much shit going on. he knows how hard things are, but he feels disconnected from it, having spent so much time in isolation in fauxhalla. ]

I know you're probably sick of me, after spending three weeks with me, But if I'm your friend, our relationship should probably have more going for it than threats of bodily harm and one of us being an emotional burden on the other. Especially when the other has so much more important shit to deal with than the first one's dumb feelings. SO, Do you want to keep talking? Maybe? Either here or in person? I'd like to hear about everything you're going through. If that's okay. Maybe I can help, in some small way. Even if it's just by listening.

Edited 2017-12-10 12:09 (UTC)

it's new ground for me too

but i couldn't lie to anyone about it. even to save my dick. being a eunuch wouldn't be that bad

but i value this too, odin. that's why I don't want to mess it up. not a great track record for that so far, but.

i need to check on bodhi but we can keep talking - it's going to take me an hour to get there anyway

and as much as I want to say 'yes let's immediately meet up in person right now' maybe just doing the communicator thing for a while might make things easier?

fuck, I don't know

this is usually the part where I find out I'm being shipped out to the outer rim for four months in all those crappy holovids, right?

No, I know. It was just something I said without thinking. I'm just, trying to limit all this hurt that I'm responsible for. I wish I could take it back. The confession.

[ was that an okay thing to say? he's not sure, after he's said it. but again - it's the truth, and he's trying to lean into telling that. ]

Communicator makes sense. Definitely not going to be able to stick to it for long, though. Sorry. I miss hanging out with you. I wish I hadn't come to Fauxhalla. Not that we would have seen much of each other with everything going on, but. Man. Anyway. How are you handling things? Are you taking care of yourself? I wouldn't really be surprised if you're burning out, trying to take care of all your friends at once. I'm not going to tell you not to do that, because - yeah. You're Poe. But - If it gets too rough, just, like, message me whenever? We can talk about stupid shit until you're recharged a bit.

it was going to come out one way or the other, odin

and probably would have hurt more in the long run

I'm not going anywhere, odin. well at least not until boot camp in January but that's not the point. I'll still be here when you get home.

no promises that I will be anywhere near coherent - think I've had maybe four hours sleep in the last three days

[ he wants to argue that point - if i'd acted like a grown-ass adult i could have just held onto my feelings and not ruin what i had - but he doesn't. it wouldn't help. ]

If I'd acted like a grown-ass adult, I could have just held onto my feelings and not ruin what I had.

[ fuck, nevermind. he stops himself from saying "i don't care about getting hurt in the long run!!!!!", at least. ]

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn y way. I don't mind. You can be stupid and babbly and incoherent. You normally are, anyway. Hahahaha, burn. Besides, not sleeping is a regular thing for me. I don't know if you know that about me, actually? Because so many times you, um, came over, I usually slept through the whole night. But that, I mean. That never happened, before you. Or outside of you. So. The reason I'm bringing this up isn't to be weird, but just, Like, If you need advice? On dealing with insomnia? If that's why you're up and not because you've been, um, saving your friends or, uh, """being""" with people? I can help.

[He doesn't reply to the first bit. Part of him does wish Odin hadn't said anything and they could have just - kept going on like normal, but -

The other part is pretty sure the reason Odin said something was because he was a grown-ass adult. And far braver than Poe was.

He didn't know what to say about the sleeping thing, either. He always slept better when he slept with someone else - sexually or not - but that mechanism of coping was so tied up in his relationship with Finn that it made him a bit queasy to talk about it with Odin. So he'll just. Avoid that part.]

i haven't 'been' with anyone

[That message comes first, far quicker than it should have. He isn't totally sure why he needed Odin to know that, but he did.

But then he just forged ahead with the rest.]

insomnia i'm used to

usually i can catch a few hours

no it's just my friends

one of them is gone
one of them is about ready to follow her
one of them is literally slowly burning alive
one is trapped in a body he's not used to trying to deal with the rest of everyone around him dying

one is a horse

there's just
a lot going on

Edited 2017-12-10 16:30 (UTC)

[ odin, of course, takes poe glossing over his sleeping comment as proof that odin said something stupid and poe hates him for it. he gives himself a second to feel shitty, but the... not being with people comment...

he is not sure what to do with that information. he can't deny that he's glad to hear it, in some small, jealous way, but he also has enough sense to realize that, well - that's probably just a timing thing. poe can't sleep with his friends when they're all dying off.

also, you know - the other guy. that's still on the table. ]

Sorry about your horse friend. Man, you really didn't need me to pull all this relationship drama on you right now. One of my friends lost an arm. My other friend's leg exploded and he's bleeding everywhere. They're both just, like, okay with it. They're like, "haha, that's just life!" about the whole thing. I kind of hate it.

he has eight legs, but he's a horse

i also have a horse now but that's kind of a different story
at least it means i can fly something again

unless you were conspiring with the porter to match timing i'm going to let you off the hook on that one

plus you just shouldn't be on the hook for it anyway

man

i didn't really realise just how much the nanites here were holding us together

makes me really wonder about the origin of our bodies, here
i mean that was always a weird question because of all my technically dead friends but

yeah

they got healers? i know magnus is trying to make sure that there are healers available for everyone, and i know he's one of your friends, but
figured i would ask anyway

I'm kind of jealous? I'm also kind of wracked with terror about how easy it is to slip into unknowable body horror territory right now? Man. Remind me to tell you about pegasi from back home one day, though, And why what you just said is pretty emotionally hard-hitting for me. But yeah. I don't know. I've seen myself as a baby, back home. Sleeping and happy. I was transformed by a God to look different to how I'm supposed to look. Bodies have always been kind of weird for me. The esoteric questions about our origins here didn't really matter to me until we all started to rot from the inside. Fuck, I wish I knew how to stop all this. But. They do, yeah. Healing's covered. Magnus is amazing. Uh, I did see the conversation you had with him, though. On the network?

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