flightforfreedom | MoM IC Inbox

[ it was a mistake. a genuine one. his and poe's luggage looked similar, if not identical, and when odin finally, finally got to pack all his shit and get off this god forsaken shuttle, he slipped things into the wrong bag. poe ended up with things he wasn't meant to have.

odin thought, before the trip to space, that he wanted to give little gifts and presents to his castmates at the end of the third week, as a lighthearted kind of "hey, that was great! we survived!" gesture. he didn't follow through with it, officially, but his gifts for poe ended up in one of poe's bags by mistake - little things, like a native-made figurine of poe looking like a badass, and a bunch of stupid snacks and toy RC planes and miscellaneous gag gifts he thought Poe might like, and - a small, glass sphere he's enchanted with magic to project light over a room, light shaped like a galaxy, any galaxy, that the viewer wants to see. he wanted to give poe the ability to see the stars he navigated through back home any time he wanted, and now, he'll be able to.

but in the midst of the packets of cheap wigs ("For Real Poe Dameron Hair!") and stupid shit like the tiny little robot dog coded to bark Poe's name whenever it wants attention (coded poorly, mind you, so it actually sounds more like it's saying bweeeet doop doo whirr), there's something else, hidden at the bottom of the pile.

it's volume two, motherfucker. ]

[He didn't notice for a few days. His bag, now devoid of the weight of the alcohol that he had brought on the trip, was far lighter than it had been on the way up, even with the bag of Odin's stuff in it. So it wasn't for a few days, once he was finally settling back in at home, alone in his room, actually just enjoying the privacy and the silence, that he began to unpack and found the items.

He was very confused.

He couldn't tell what any of this was - just miscellaneous items that he couldn't really figure out what they were for - but he was starting to figure out a theme. Huh. They seemed like gifts. Little RC planes (that he automatically set aside on his desk to hang with his other models later), the figurine of him that made him chuckle a little bit, a glass sphere that lit up when he touched it (which made him drop it, but it landed safely in his clothes). He watched the stars for several minutes, before putting it into his pocket. Everything just seemed incredibly thoughtful - if sometimes silly - and he wondered who had even--

And then he found the second mixtape.

It didn't have his name on it, but it didn't have to. Everything was explained very suddenly, very quickly, and he just sat kneeled on the floor for a few minutes, looking at it. He let out a long breath.

He didn't want to listen to it.

Well, that wasn't entire true.

He knew he shouldn't listen to it.

But he had a masochistic streak a mile wide, and Odin had obviously given it to him for him to listen to it. He knew how important the last one had been - a gesture at communication that Poe honestly appreciated, on one level, while on the other knowing that it was just going to make him feel a hell of a lot worse.

He put it on the desk. He put everything away. The glass orb felt like a lead weight in his pocket, but he couldn't figure out what to do with it. It was just honest really kind, but he felt guilty even having it. So he just didn't touch it. Left in his pocket, though he took the jacket off and hung it against the back of his chair.

He went through the rest of his nighttime ritual without thinking about it, just happy for the silence and for the firm gravity pulling him planetward.

Once in his pyjamas he hesitated again, fingers touching the mixtape on his desk, before he cursed lowly.

And then he put it on.]

[For a few seconds, he's hopeful. Okay. Not too bad. Tempo is upbeat. The cute earth instruments are strumming. All good, right?

It only lasted a few seconds.

He let it play as he finished up his nighttime ritual. Brushing his teeth. Flossing.

He paused mid way through, the floss stuck somewhere between his canine and an incisor, and he sighed, leaning forward to press his forehead to the cool glass of the mirror.

He could almost hear Odin say every damn word in this song.

And he deserved everything that he wanted.

Poe just wasn't really about to be that for anyone.

And he knew it.]

[Well, at least this one sounded like the mood he was in - dragged down and low and slow. He listens to it in sort of a haze as he washes out his mouth, spitting into the sink before wandering back to his room.

This was normally where he tried to figure out if he would be having nightmares that night. He couldn't always predict them, but sometimes he could. And when he could, he kept walking from his room to Finn's, and crawled in Finn's bed, and hoped that was enough to keep him from biting off his own tongue in his sleep. But he couldn't do that. Not tonight. Not with the music playing in his ear, and he wasn't sure if this song was about Odin, or if was about him.

He went into his room.

Him, probably.

Even if Odin didn't realise it.

He was pretty sure this song was about him.]

[He just sort of slumps backward onto the bed as the next song starts to play, and stares up at his ceiling. Blank and white and empty and he's suddenly very aware of just how not-home he's made this room. A transitional place, rather than somewhere that he's supposed to be living in.

So he just stares at it, blank and empty and impersonal, and keeps hurting himself by continuing to listen to this god damn mix tape.

She says: I don't know how I'm supposed to feel]

You and me both, buddy. [He just sort of sighs it until his breath, and keeps listening.

He's reading way too much into it. He's probably just exhausted, and he just needs to sleep, but instead he's listening. Life's just a game we were meant to lose.

i don't want to spend my time
waiting for just another guy.

He's not entirely sure he was actually meant to hear this, now. It didn't have a note. Sure, it came with the presents, but the presents didn't have a note either. Maybe something happened, and this is a mistake, and he's just--

He just keeps listening anyway.]

Edited 2017-12-09 04:33 (UTC)

[He gets restless.

He's off the bed again as the song begs to be strangled with her words, and he's crossing the room to pull the glass orb out of the jacket again. It comes to life as soon as he touches it, but he doesn't stop to look, just palms it and then drags it back to bed with him. He pulls the sheets back and slides in, resting it on his stomache and letting the light dance on the ceiling.

Better.

This song is about him again. He knows it is. He can't actually figure out exactly how many one-night-stands he's been on since he got here. But he knew even from the get go that Odin wasn't the same.

Guess Odin knew it, too.

Force, he was an idiot.]

[He just kind of lets the music drift around him, pulling him down into depths of self-pity that he really shouldn't be able to reach, at this point in his life, but still somehow manages to. Something about the beat of this song lets a lot of the words just sort of slide by him, leaving impressions without meaning.

But not all of them.

And when you came back you killed me with a kiss
Like a glorious fire I wish I missed

Oh shit, I guess I'm in love with the fucked up kid.

He tried not to overthink why Odin gave him this. He really did. He didn't really understand it, with everything that had happened, wasn't entirely sure what he was trying to say. So he just kept listening.]

[It was misery. A masochistic misery, because he knew all he had to do to stop it was to turn it off, but he couldn't. He was trying to understand. He really was.

Fuck, he was.

He had to turn the sky globe off, pushing it down to the edge of the bed until it went dark.

i don't want to let your light in

i've got enough to lose.]

[He got about half way through the song before he couldn't take it anymore, and turned it off. His chest was incredibly tight, and he was breathing hard through his nose.

He didn't understand.

He pulled out his communicator almost compulsively.

why did you give me this, he wrote, and then immediately deleted it.

i liked the first one better, immediately deleted again.

i'm sorry.

That one stayed on his screen for a while.

And then with a very sudden, sharp motion, he was throwing his communicator - sending it flying across the room to crash into the far wall, the glass of the screen cracking immediately on impact.

It let out a painful cry, that only he could hear, and the force of it's tortured dismay made Poe feel ill.

He was a fucking asshole, and he hurt everything he touched.

He pulled himself out of bed and went over to where his comm lay on the floor, burbling what was as close to technopathic sobbing as he'd ever heard.]

I'm sorry, buddy. [He whispered it as he picked it up, the glass of the screen cracked right across the front. He sighed.]

I'm sorry, bud, It wasn't you. I'm sorry. I'll - I'll get you all fixed up tomorrow.

hey, odin

don't tell alex i'm messaging you, okay, i would like to keep both my head and my dick

i know you're safe with your friends, so

i know i don't have to worry

but i think we should talk

[ oh, boy.

odin's still staying in fauxhalla, like he promised magnus he would, but. he's starting to miss his bed. he misses his dogs, too, which he couldn't bring with him, because of magnus's fear of them - he thought after space he'd be able to just lay down with them whenever he wanted and let them ease his heartache, but other than a few hours at red's house where they're staying, he hasn't really been able to.

he thought things would be better once he was back on firm ground, with friends. it hasn't happened. everything's just been getting worse, and he hasn't been able to talk about it, because, well - everyone's dying? everyone's dying like fuckin' mad. he can't complain about relationship troubles when everyone's fuckin' dying.

he's kind of stunned to get a text from poe out of the blue. he has to pace around his room a few times before he's got the energy to reply. it's obvious that this isn't... a casual conversation, but he's gonna keep it as one for as long as he can. ]

Hey dude! Yeah, I'm okay. Got my friends and stuff. Nanites aren't messing with me too bad. It's all good. What's up?

[ ... wait, wait, he frowns. he was too focused on actually getting a message from poe to fully process the contents of it, and when he's rereading it, he notices-- ]

What're you talking about? What'd Alex say?

[Yeah. The everyone dying has been getting to Poe, too. Which is probably why he's so worn down from everything that he has barely gotten two hours sleep together.

He can feel the distance in the texts, and his heart sinks, even though he knows it's a good thing.

Yeah.

A good thing.]

that she would rip my dick off if i went anywhere near you

[There wasn't really another way to put that.]

she cares a lot about you but she also could probably put me through a wall on a whim so

maybe she's related to a wookie

[Not the point, Dameron.]

but that's not

well it's part of what i wanted to talk to you about

okay it's most of it, actually

[He tries to write something else, though, and fails. He tries typing something four different times and he can't manage it. So that's where it ends. If he had four hours, maybe he would manage another sentence, but the rest have already been sent.]

[ He - didn't know that. Odin frowns, scratching his jaw and looking out the window, over the woods. He's not... gonna lose his mind over this, because, like. It's Alex. He knows Alex. Of course she would try to rip off a man's dick. She probably does that for fun, let alone when she has what she perceives as a genuine reason to do so. She's made similar threats to him, even? So. He just kinda sighs. ]

Okay, well, you promised me you'd call me when you were at boot camp. So. Yeah. I'll talk to Alex, if you want. I didn't know she did that.

[ The knot in his gut is starting to tighten, though. It's not hard for him to see where this conversation is going. He's told Poe that the future of their friendship rests on his shoulders, rather than Odin's - "i'm still in love with you and if you're cool with that we can chill, it's fine, whatever bruh", that whole deal - and if Poe's being threatened now? Odin would understand, if that's his limit.

Ugh.

Uahguahg.

Ahuaguaghugh. ]

Poe. What is this about?

no

she was just trying to protect you, odin

it was fine. terrifying, but fine. i would have probably done the same thing if our roles were reversed so just don't tell her I mentioned it

she wasn't the only one, anyway

[There's a much longer pause here. Fuck, this was even harder than he'd thought.]

there's a lot of people who care about you, Odin

and one thing that they seem to generally agree on

and that's that you shouldn't be anywhere near me

What? What? Who else? Who the fuck? I didn't ask them to do any of that!

[ He's about to fly back home to have this conversation in person, demand names so he can go and-- talk to people who are talking about what's best for him, or whatever, but-- he deflates, at the thought of it. It's hard. He's tired. This isn't a conversation he'd expected to have and everything inside of him feels like sand. ]

Okay. Well. Okay. People have been saying the same thing to me. Archie told me to move on. Put distance between us. Leave what happened behind. Or something. I don't want to do that. I told you how I feel. I told you I want to stay with you, if you can handle it, despite knowing I've got this... whatever it is, for you. I thought we were just - I thought things were going to go back to normal. I thought you were going to let me stay close by and we would just leave all of my feelings in space. I thought we just weren't going to talk about them anymore, so that this could-- work. I thought you'd let me be your friend. Do you not want that anymore?

Edited 2017-12-10 05:12 (UTC)

[He had known that this was going to happen? He'd known it. All the resolve he'd had, gearing himself up for this conversation, was already breaking to pieces.]

no that's not

that's not what I meant

no I don't want that.

but I think I might also be a selfish fucking asshole

So am I! So am I? So am I!!!!!! Do you even-- okay. Let me break this down. Let's break down what I'm doing right now. What I've done, over this past month. "Hey, Poe! I'm super in love with you! Oh, you're not in love with me? You told me, explicitly, that you don't want me, because you want somebody else? Dang! Well, hey. Rather than accept that, what if I just hang around you, shovel a mixtape on you in space to really hammer my point in (rather than internalize my heartbreak like I should have done), and then just constantly be a huuuuuge pain in the ass who refuses to leave you alone? What if I just never let you experience your own emotions and establish your own boundaries in peace? What if the entire pace of your life is dictated by Odin's melodramatic, stupid, stupid stupid stupid feelings? Oh! Oh, oh man. Bonus idea: What if all my stupid friends come give you a hard time and threaten you with physical harm because apparently I'm a stupid child who can't take care of myself? What if that? What if all of that? THOUGHTS? THOUGHTS???????????"

[ he's hitting the keys on his new comm so hard he feels like he might break it. when he's done, he's breathing hard and fast, not going back to read what he just wrote because he's pretty sure there's something in there he'll regret saying and he's on a roll, here, he's not gonna bail now. ]

I'm just-- saying. I'm selfish. I shouldn't be a part of your life. The adult mature radical thing for me to do would be to pack up my shit and bail, so I don't poison our relationship from the inside by dragging it on and on and on even though it is written deep in the stars that you'll leave me sooner or later. You can't stay friends with someone who has feelings for you, that's so stupid. And yet. That's what I'm asking for. It's stupid and selfish and stupid. But it is what I want, for as long as I can have it, so. Yeah. Leave on your own terms. Not because I have assholes for friends.

[There is a lot, there, in that flurry of texts. He knows that it's just a turn of phrase, in this context, to say 'super in love with you'. And it's not like he didn't know. But it still stalls him from reading the rest of it, for a few minutes. Eventually he manages to keep reading, but a reply is something else.

He doesn't trust himself to have this conversation.

He fights the very real impulse to open a comm link to Archie and yell 'EASIER FUCKING SAID THAN DONE' at him from the other end. But he doesn't.]

you're not an asshole. or stupid. or a child.

i just can't tell if we are just intentionally hurting ourselves at this point

can I at least ask

why the second tape

Okay, let me make this very clear. I am intentionally hurting myself. It hurts to know that you want somebody else, and it is something I will always be aware of. It hurts to remind myself of that every time I think of you, and being with you brings that up far more often than being apart from you would. But it would hurt so, so, so much more if you weren't around anymore. I don't know if I could handle not seeing your face, or hearing you laugh, because of something I did or said. I genuinely think, at this point, that I would lose most of what makes me happy, if I couldn't talk to you anymore.

[ he stops himself there, before he goes into a page long diatribe about all the other things in Poe he loves. that's not what this conversation is about. he does, however, feel genuinely confused for a second about the second tape comment. says "what are you talking about" before backspacing it. then it FUCKING HITS HIM, 'CAUSE THERE AIN'T THAT MANY TAPES HE'S LOST. ]

Fuck? Fuck? Fuck? Fuck? Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck I thought I left that in space. I'm sorry. Did you listen to it? Don't listen to it. Don't listen to the last track, especially. It's bad. Don't. Don't. Sorry. It was just for me. It was just supposed to be mine? Oh man. Oh my god. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Fuck??? Fuck????????????? Sorry????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

[The first part is almost unbearable to read, and it takes him a few tries. In fact he's still trying to formulate a response when the second set of messages come through.

Easier to answer, at least.]

oh

[.... Sort of answer.....]

Edited (Wtf formatting what's wrong with yiu) 2017-12-10 09:55 (UTC)

well that

makes more sense

sorry
i thought I was supposed to listen to it
i couldn't make it all the way through it anyway

i shouldn't have that much power over your happiness, odin

Just. Break it or something. It's fine. Sorry.

[ head in his hands. he's got all this nervous energy bubbling through him and he keeps pacing back and forth through his room, angry at himself. he's. stupid. he's stupid! he's so stupid. not only for the stupid tape stupid bullshit stupid stupid fuck, but for saying all that shit he said just now about poe and happiness aND WHATEVER ELSE FUCK FUCK FUCK GOD DAMN IT FUCK.

he sits on the end of his bed and just sorta drowns himself in his feelings for a second before he sends something back. ]

I don't! Mean! To put! Pressure! On you! That's not why I'm saying any of the stupid things I'm saying! The great Odin Dark has a way with words! The elegant prose he sings from betwixt these holy lips are unflappably cool! But his thoughts are clumsy and doofusy. So I say clumsy and doofus things. And, That was one of them. The happiness thing. Just, I'm trying to be honest. About all of this. So you have a choice, about what to do. If it's not... easy, to be with me, because of my stuff, then! Just! Say it. But, Heuhgeuhgsahgsajghsahalgaflamfladhgljhaeajhglahgg??? I just want to be around you. That's all I want. Actually. I also want to light my face on fire 'cause of the tape thing. I'm really sorry. About that. About a lot of things. In general. Just by default. My default state of being.

i'm not going to break it, odin

and you're not stupid, and what you said wasn't "doofusy" though I only have the vaguest idea of what that word means

you don't need to back pedal with me, odin

i think i know you pretty well at this point. i can kind of tell, when it comes out because it's true

but none of us can control how long we are here

one my friends is gone

i don't want you to have that much stake in me that when the Porter eventually does its job and I'm gone that I take all your happiness with you

i just

i can barely be trusted with my own let along yours

gUESS WHO CAN'T WAIT A DAY

let's do this

1. Banners - Someone to you

2. Wild Sweet Orange - Tilt

3. Jeremy Messersmith - A Girl, a Boy, and a Graveyard

4. Little Comets - Joanna

5. Kevin Drew - Fucked up Kid

6. Benjamin Francis Leftwich - Mayflies

7. Imogen Heap - Half Life

1/3 - A few days later, after talking to alex and archie

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1/2

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